How to Be an Ally: Lessons From My Mixed-Race, Blue-Eyed Son

What can my precocious three-year-old son teach you about allyship? It turns out quite a bit…

In many black families, there is a rite of passage that takes the form of a conversation between parents and children. This is the conversation, or series of conversations, where parents explain what it means to be black.

It might center on how to stay safe during encounters with the police or how to behave at school. There might be guidance on how to dress, speak and act in order to avoid problems. My mother and I had a version of this conversation just like she had a version of the conversation with her mother.

I assumed that when I had children, I would have this conversation with them and I will, but it will look a little different because they look a little different. I am married to, and have children with, a white man.

My kids are mixed. So, in some ways, the way they are viewed by the world may be different from how the world views me. I hope this reminder isn’t necessary, but of course everyone’s experience is different. That is true of black people. We are not a monolithic group, and each have unique experiences; however, there are many common experiences that black people face and it's helpful to prepare our children for these.

I grew up facing only a few incidents of blatant racism and mostly contending with the more common subtle racism and micro-aggressions. While ringing up my groceries, cashiers would ask “what are you?” Friends would raise their arm to mine exclaiming “I’m almost as dark as you!” People would constantly reach out and touch my curls without first asking or thinking about how odd it would be if someone grabbed their hair.

My older son, with his brown curls and tan skin, will likely experience much of the same. My younger son; however, will have a different experience. He has skin the same color, if not lighter than his father’s, blonde hair and bright blue eyes. If I am not standing next to him (and even sometimes when I am), it is not readily apparent that he is mixed. He may inadvertently spend much of his life passing for white.

I have thought a lot about how to prepare my son for moving through a world that may not understand what box he falls into. I will teach him that some people have light skin and others have dark, neither is good or bad. But for a long time, people with dark skin were treated badly because of it. I will teach him that there is still racism today. He will learn about everything from slavery to civil rights and the murder of George Floyd. I will teach him how to respond when people question his blackness or say racist comments in his presence thinking he is “like them.” And maybe even more important than all the answers, I will provide him questions that he should always ask himself.

1. Am I treated differently than my friends and family with darker skin?

2. Are the conversations happening around me different from those that happen around my friends or family with darker skin?

3. Would I want my friends or family with darker skin to hear or see this?

4. Are there many or any people with darker skin in this space? If not, why?

5. Would a person with darker skin feel comfortable in this space? If not, why?

As I wrote out the list of questions above, it occurred to me that these are not just the questions for a little boy who happened to be born with less melanin than his brother. These questions are not just for mixed kids, they are for my well-meaning white friends and every other ally, regardless of race.

So called allies do not get to talk about the importance of diversity at work and then drive off to predominantly white neighborhoods, send their children to predominantly white schools and socialize in predominantly white circles without giving any of that a second thought. If my three-year-old son can learn to navigate the thought exercises described in this article and the ever-present burden of speaking up, then my dear ally, so can you.

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