What Are You?
“What are you?” asked the drug store clerk. He paused between bagging my last two items (tampons and a pack of gum). His eyes met mine as he waited for a response. With my light brown skin and smooth, dark hair, people are constantly asking me versions of this same question. Old ladies in the grocery store, aggressive men at bars and a surprising number of store clerks are curious about what I am. My answer varies, but today I decide to give him the full story.
I take a deep breath and respond with a smile:
What am I? If you mean my gender, I’m a woman but I believe gender is a social construct. Astrologically, I’m a Leo. My diet? I was a vegetarian for over 20 years. Now, I’m technically a pescatarian but because I have struggled with eating disorders, I try not to ascertain identity from my diet.
Professionally, I’m an attorney but have a creative streak. I’m also a dancer, singer and actress. My family and friends are a huge part of my identity. I’m a mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend. If you are wondering about my personality, I’m an extrovert, empath and recovered people pleaser.
Oh, maybe you meant my nationality. I’m American. Yes, so are my parents and grandparents. If you are wondering “where I’m from,” the answer is America…Detroit, Michigan to be exact. The funny thing is, when I travel, I feel like a citizen of the world. Locals look at me and think I belong. They speak Thai to me in Thailand and Spanish in Belize. But here, in my actual home, people wonder what I am.
If your real question is about my ethnicity, I’m Black. Not mixed (as in one white parent one black), or African American (which qualifies something that in my case does not need qualifying). I am Black. Some of my ancestors came here from Africa on big ships against their will. They fell in love or otherwise had children with people from a variety of different backgrounds.
So, there you have it…that’s “what I am.” But I have a question for you. If you really just wanted to know about my ethnicity, why? Why would that be the only thing you ask me in our brief interaction? Why is it so important to filter me into a group? Is it because you are wondering if we share some common background? Or is it because you have a preconceived notion as to how different people should look, speak or carry themselves and I don’t neatly fit into that stereotype?
To be clear, I would love to have a real conversation and share about my background, including ethnicity. But it can be jarring and presumptuous to ask a complete stranger a question like “what are you?”
At this point, I wish I could say I walked proudly to my car, head held high, having spread my daily message of diversity and inclusion. More likely, I would sheepishly take my shopping bag and scurry to the car, terrified I had offended or hurt the clerk’s feelings (ok…maybe I’m only a partially recovered people pleaser).
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